The following is a three-act play composed entirely of text messages sent back and forth between Gianluca Cefis (trenchcoat-wearing man-about-town) and Anthony Hansen (me) during an interminable opening set by some local noise-music asshats.
ACT ONE (in which the band begins):
Cefis: What the fuck is this?
Anthony: Hell.
Cefis: This sounds like a shitty version of the song we made... I feel like someone shoved a trench knife in my brain.
Anthony: This band has convinced me we could have a career. In murdering people.
Cefis: Agreed, this song sounds like what a seizure feels like...
~
ACT TWO (in which Cefis sends multiple texts detailing his displeasure):
Cefis: This is far too fucking pretentious. This is like an art exhibit consisting of an elderly man defecating into a flexing male model's mouth.
The worst part is that they look so bloody bored playing this godawful noise. It's like they have a sign floating over their heads that reads "shoot me".
I never thought I'd say this, but I think Dragonforce might be better than this...
~
ACT THREE (DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP):
Anthony: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES
Cefis: HEY MAN! THESE GUYS HAVE AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO TELL THE AUDIENCE! ABOUT HOW WE SHOULD MOB KILL THEM!
Anthony: FREEEEEBIIIIIIRD
Cefis: They should play In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.
Anthony: If I got high and listened to this I WOULD THINK I WAS GOING TO DIE.
Cefis: I'm just waiting for the fake horn... then I will burst like the fat guy from "Meaning Of Life".
Anthony: REEEEEEEEMIX
(the band stops.)
THE END.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
loudQUIETloud: A Film About The Pixies
"We don't talk to each other very much, and it's not because we don't like each other. That's just the kind of people that we are." - Frank Black
loudQUIETloud is a film about The Pixies. They don't have much personal chemistry, but they make great music and do a pretty good job of not letting their considerable emotional baggage get in the way.
THE END.
No seriously, THAT'S IT. THE. END.
I really liked this movie.
loudQUIETloud is a film about The Pixies. They don't have much personal chemistry, but they make great music and do a pretty good job of not letting their considerable emotional baggage get in the way.
THE END.
No seriously, THAT'S IT. THE. END.
I really liked this movie.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Radiohead's New Album Is One Of Their Best And No I'm Not Crazy
The thesis statement is in the title so I'm not even gonna bother with an introductory paragraph.
Look, I know what you're thinking: the new one sounds half-assed and Anthony's just being contradictory for the sheer hell of it. Well, it isn't and I'm not. And believe me, I'm almost as baffled by my own reaction as you are. Almost.
Here's the thing, though (or what I believe to be the... erm... thing). Having only gotten into Radiohead somewhere in the last six years, I've had nearly every Radiohead album pre-hyped for me as an all-caps "LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE". A lot of the time with Radiohead, my heightened expectations mean the things I would brush off as minor quibbles with any other band become huge sore points for me, and I recognize that I'm totally at fault for expecting perfection straight out of the gate.
Of course, I am gonna nitpick, just a little bit. OK Computer (still their masterpiece in many ways) was an exhilarating synthesis of influences and ideas, but when broken down, its components are blatantly and almost irritatingly derivative. Airbag IS the midsection of Red by King Crimson, Karma Police IS Sexy Sadie by The Beatles, Lucky IS Breathe by Pink Floyd... and so on. It's the kind of thing that seems like a charming tip of the hat if done sparingly, but makes you seriously question a band's songwriting abilities if spread across a whole album. Even at their most experimental, they seem to be taking obvious cues from other bands, and that bothers me a bit.
This is similar to a problem I have with Pink Floyd, the band Radiohead most closely resembles. People will regularly prattle on about how "deep" Pink Floyd's lyrics are, when really what Pink Floyd (or, more often than not, chief lyricist/group tyrant Rogert Waters) do is simplify grand philosophical concepts in a way that everyone can understand. Yes, the concepts are "deep", but they way they're writing about them isn't. It's not to say that there isn't something to commend about bringing these concepts to the masses, but praise for a second-hand concept is still due to the person you borrowed it from... and so it goes with Radiohead. You can praise them for their originality all you want, but what you're really praising is their own admittedly excellent taste in source material.
It's not entirely their fault, to be fair. They didn't ask for OK Computer and Kid A to be hailed as world-changing milestones. One of the things that annoys me about my own profession as a rock critic is how we're always looking to evaluate things on a cultural level as well as a musical one. As soon as an artist records something we deem a masterpiece, they now have something they have to spend the rest of their careers living up to, in spite of the fact that any greater meaning to the music was usually applied after the fact. What I do respect about Radiohead is that, in spite of how often they come off as comically earnest, chin-stroking artiste types, they've always seemed genuinely unconcerned with this. In fact, it seems they've done everything in their power to avoid being hailed as the biggest band in the world, be it through their deliberately cryptic public image or their abject refusal to play ball with the press and the record companies (okay, that's sort of the same thing, but you get my drift).
Well, with this latest album, it seems they've finally gotten their wish. They have now released their shortest, starkest-sounding album to a resounding "WTF". The band that made their reputation in pushing boundaries has finally found a way to push people in the entirely wrong direction.
Only I'm not one of them. Yes, I'm finally going to try and justify why I've come to love King Of Limbs, and I think it's more than just my own reduced expectations. I feel like on this album, more than any other, Radiohead are just goofing around, trying things out, and above all, not getting ahead of themselves. Their previous release, In Rainbows, was the first example of this more casual, down-to-earth approach, but it was still in support of some of the most conventional-sounding songs they'd ever written. Here, they've unleashed their most jarring and abstract set of compositions yet, seemingly just for the sheer hell of it. Some would see this as a lazier approach, but I feel like the spontaneity with which they imbue these strange little songs makes this the first truly experimental record they've ever made (as opposed to Kid A and Amnesiac, which, for all their surface "weirdness" were actually very studied and methodical in their re-purposing of avant-garde electronica).
Not everything on this album works, but I feel like that's besides the point. Whether you love or hate the album, it essentially boils down to the exact same reason: they aren't trying so hard anymore. Depending on why you listen to Radiohead, that's either a huge relief or a profound disappointment. No points for guessing which camp I'm in.
Look, I know what you're thinking: the new one sounds half-assed and Anthony's just being contradictory for the sheer hell of it. Well, it isn't and I'm not. And believe me, I'm almost as baffled by my own reaction as you are. Almost.
Here's the thing, though (or what I believe to be the... erm... thing). Having only gotten into Radiohead somewhere in the last six years, I've had nearly every Radiohead album pre-hyped for me as an all-caps "LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE". A lot of the time with Radiohead, my heightened expectations mean the things I would brush off as minor quibbles with any other band become huge sore points for me, and I recognize that I'm totally at fault for expecting perfection straight out of the gate.
Of course, I am gonna nitpick, just a little bit. OK Computer (still their masterpiece in many ways) was an exhilarating synthesis of influences and ideas, but when broken down, its components are blatantly and almost irritatingly derivative. Airbag IS the midsection of Red by King Crimson, Karma Police IS Sexy Sadie by The Beatles, Lucky IS Breathe by Pink Floyd... and so on. It's the kind of thing that seems like a charming tip of the hat if done sparingly, but makes you seriously question a band's songwriting abilities if spread across a whole album. Even at their most experimental, they seem to be taking obvious cues from other bands, and that bothers me a bit.
This is similar to a problem I have with Pink Floyd, the band Radiohead most closely resembles. People will regularly prattle on about how "deep" Pink Floyd's lyrics are, when really what Pink Floyd (or, more often than not, chief lyricist/group tyrant Rogert Waters) do is simplify grand philosophical concepts in a way that everyone can understand. Yes, the concepts are "deep", but they way they're writing about them isn't. It's not to say that there isn't something to commend about bringing these concepts to the masses, but praise for a second-hand concept is still due to the person you borrowed it from... and so it goes with Radiohead. You can praise them for their originality all you want, but what you're really praising is their own admittedly excellent taste in source material.
It's not entirely their fault, to be fair. They didn't ask for OK Computer and Kid A to be hailed as world-changing milestones. One of the things that annoys me about my own profession as a rock critic is how we're always looking to evaluate things on a cultural level as well as a musical one. As soon as an artist records something we deem a masterpiece, they now have something they have to spend the rest of their careers living up to, in spite of the fact that any greater meaning to the music was usually applied after the fact. What I do respect about Radiohead is that, in spite of how often they come off as comically earnest, chin-stroking artiste types, they've always seemed genuinely unconcerned with this. In fact, it seems they've done everything in their power to avoid being hailed as the biggest band in the world, be it through their deliberately cryptic public image or their abject refusal to play ball with the press and the record companies (okay, that's sort of the same thing, but you get my drift).
Well, with this latest album, it seems they've finally gotten their wish. They have now released their shortest, starkest-sounding album to a resounding "WTF". The band that made their reputation in pushing boundaries has finally found a way to push people in the entirely wrong direction.
Only I'm not one of them. Yes, I'm finally going to try and justify why I've come to love King Of Limbs, and I think it's more than just my own reduced expectations. I feel like on this album, more than any other, Radiohead are just goofing around, trying things out, and above all, not getting ahead of themselves. Their previous release, In Rainbows, was the first example of this more casual, down-to-earth approach, but it was still in support of some of the most conventional-sounding songs they'd ever written. Here, they've unleashed their most jarring and abstract set of compositions yet, seemingly just for the sheer hell of it. Some would see this as a lazier approach, but I feel like the spontaneity with which they imbue these strange little songs makes this the first truly experimental record they've ever made (as opposed to Kid A and Amnesiac, which, for all their surface "weirdness" were actually very studied and methodical in their re-purposing of avant-garde electronica).
Not everything on this album works, but I feel like that's besides the point. Whether you love or hate the album, it essentially boils down to the exact same reason: they aren't trying so hard anymore. Depending on why you listen to Radiohead, that's either a huge relief or a profound disappointment. No points for guessing which camp I'm in.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
OH SHIT I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT YELLOW SUBMARINE
IT HAS 4 NEW BEATLES SONGS ON IT AND TWO OF THEM ARE BY GEORGE BECAUSE JOHN AND PAUL DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THE FILM TO BE TOTAL DICKS TO HIM THAT ONE TIME
Friday, February 25, 2011
Anthony Vs. The Beatles' Entire Discography
Let's just get this the fuck over with
Please Please Me:
This was the last Beatles album I ever purchased. I liked this one a lot more than I expected to, possibly because that opening one-two punch of I Saw Her Standing There and Misery is pretty unbeatable. It's pure pop fluff by today's standards, but that's part of the charm, isn't it?
With The Beatles:
I don't like this one at all for some weird reason.
A Hard Day's Night:
Some of the best melodies ever written, but my god are the lyrics ever stupid. Yes, I realize that pop lyricism wasn't exactly poetry in the mid-60s, but what the fuck does that matter when I'm listening to an album in 2011? You don't rhyme "alright" with "alright". You just don't do that!
Beatles For Sale:
Yeah, the covers suck. Of COURSE the covers suck. The originals, though, are easily the strongest batch of songs The Beatles had written up to this point. I'll Follow The Sun might be the classiest, most gentlemanly break-up song ever written, and there's really no matching the palpable hurt and anger in John Lennon's voice on No Reply. This could have been a great EP. Oh well.
Help!:
My friend Rick made the case that this album is miles ahead of A Hard Days Night, and these days I tend to think he was right. He's the only person I know who thinks this way. I wish he'd call me sometime. I need to talk to someone about how great Help! is.
Rubber Soul:
The Beatles' folksiest album. This is where George's songwriting starts to really kick ass. I mean, Think For Yourself and If I Needed Someone? That shit is fuckin' GOLD!
Revolver:
This one's all over the place stylistically, but holy shit are the songs ever good.
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band:
Best album... ever? (No, not really. PiL's Metal Box is the best album ever. This is pretty good, though.)
Magical Mystery Tour:
I don't care how good the rest of the album is, Hello Goodbye and Your Mother Should Know make me want to punch Paul McCartney's lights out.
The White Album:
Oh let's face it, a lot of these songs just flat-out suck.
Abbey Road:
There are days where I actually prefer this album to Sgt. Pepper. Could it be that The Beatles created... (*gasp*)... TWO of the best albums ever??? INCONCEIVABLE!
Let It Be:
On Abbey Road they managed to hide the fact that they all couldn't stand each other. This album wasn't so lucky. The title track still makes me cry, though.
Past Masters, Volume One And Two:
Yes, I know it's a compilation, but it's a compilation of Beatles singles, so dismissing it 'cause it's not a "real Beatles album" is kind of like saying you're going to kick a cardboard box full of puppies to the curb because you don't like cardboard boxes. Except in this case, the puppies have names like "She Loves You", "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "Hey Ju look I know this is stupid but just go with it
I'M DONE.
Please Please Me:
This was the last Beatles album I ever purchased. I liked this one a lot more than I expected to, possibly because that opening one-two punch of I Saw Her Standing There and Misery is pretty unbeatable. It's pure pop fluff by today's standards, but that's part of the charm, isn't it?
With The Beatles:
I don't like this one at all for some weird reason.
A Hard Day's Night:
Some of the best melodies ever written, but my god are the lyrics ever stupid. Yes, I realize that pop lyricism wasn't exactly poetry in the mid-60s, but what the fuck does that matter when I'm listening to an album in 2011? You don't rhyme "alright" with "alright". You just don't do that!
Beatles For Sale:
Yeah, the covers suck. Of COURSE the covers suck. The originals, though, are easily the strongest batch of songs The Beatles had written up to this point. I'll Follow The Sun might be the classiest, most gentlemanly break-up song ever written, and there's really no matching the palpable hurt and anger in John Lennon's voice on No Reply. This could have been a great EP. Oh well.
Help!:
My friend Rick made the case that this album is miles ahead of A Hard Days Night, and these days I tend to think he was right. He's the only person I know who thinks this way. I wish he'd call me sometime. I need to talk to someone about how great Help! is.
Rubber Soul:
The Beatles' folksiest album. This is where George's songwriting starts to really kick ass. I mean, Think For Yourself and If I Needed Someone? That shit is fuckin' GOLD!
Revolver:
This one's all over the place stylistically, but holy shit are the songs ever good.
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band:
Best album... ever? (No, not really. PiL's Metal Box is the best album ever. This is pretty good, though.)
Magical Mystery Tour:
I don't care how good the rest of the album is, Hello Goodbye and Your Mother Should Know make me want to punch Paul McCartney's lights out.
The White Album:
Oh let's face it, a lot of these songs just flat-out suck.
Abbey Road:
There are days where I actually prefer this album to Sgt. Pepper. Could it be that The Beatles created... (*gasp*)... TWO of the best albums ever??? INCONCEIVABLE!
Let It Be:
On Abbey Road they managed to hide the fact that they all couldn't stand each other. This album wasn't so lucky. The title track still makes me cry, though.
Past Masters, Volume One And Two:
Yes, I know it's a compilation, but it's a compilation of Beatles singles, so dismissing it 'cause it's not a "real Beatles album" is kind of like saying you're going to kick a cardboard box full of puppies to the curb because you don't like cardboard boxes. Except in this case, the puppies have names like "She Loves You", "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "Hey Ju look I know this is stupid but just go with it
I'M DONE.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Actual Album Reviews By Actual Crazy People, Part One.
Album: Achtung Baby by U2
Reviewer: HopRabbitBunny
Forum For Insanity: http://rateyourmusic.com
Part One
The Review, Deconstructed:
Him: Where do I start? Where do I begin? One of the great things about Heartland Rock/Electronica minstrels U2 is that more often than not, the four American friends Bono, Edge, Adam and Larry-when they are Burning and Hot-make brilliant records twice in a lifetime.
Me: Already, seasoned rock geeks will think this review is a joke because of the "American friends" line. If their accents while speaking and the "potato guy!" gag in The Simpsons didn't make it obvious enough, U2 are very much an irish band. Don't worry, though - I actually read this person's other reviews (mostly Madonna albums) and no, this person is not kidding. Also, yes, he is completely insane. Read on...
Him: Not many bands can claim that! If War was their introduction to stardom, The Joshua Tree their apotheosis, Passengers their most out-there "Let's-fall-on-our-hands-and-see-what-we'll-find-and-have-fun" record, All That their travelogue and Horizon their "Rock-is-in-our-bones-and-let's-still-be-creative-is-in-our-hearts" record, then Achtung Baby is their masterpiece, a grooving-cum-rocking treatise on how love falls apart.
Me: "Rock-is-in-our-bones-and-let's-still-be-creative-is-in-our-hearts"??? Even without the hyphens - ESPECIALLY without the hyphens - that sentence has all the consistency of baby diarrhea. Speaking of hyphen abuse, if you can find a lazier amalgamation of adjectives than "grooving-cum-rocking", I may want to punch you in the face, so keep it to yourself.
Him: Love does remain because U2 finally discover what Madonna later termed Erotica and how faith, hope, love and desire are saved-not by "Praise-and-worship" but by what their best friend and rocker Bruce Springsteen described as the
Human Touch.
Me: To be honest, even I have my doubts that this person isn't kidding. These two (completely unrelated) albums that the author name-checked are among the 69(!) albums this person's reviewed, implying that they've heard maybe 70 albums in their whole life and forgot to review one because the voices were telling them to kill again.
Him: In the 12 chapters of Achtung Baby, U2 are disguised as Miles Tabby Cats in a Meowing Zoo, they sit by the water know as the River Liffey, and Dublin is forever Lucky Town. Achtung Baby-a beautiful Irish lucky charm
and a hip-hopping/rocking American Slipstream on the Threshold of a thousand Dreams.
Me: That's right, read that paragraph again. Fuckin' READ IT. This flies off the cliff of rock-crit pretentiousness and into the kind of literary chasm inhabited by those who eat crayons and masturbate while using a wood chipper.
On the plus side, it seems HopRabbitBunny is actually fully aware of U2's irishness, so that's something.
Him: Like said records by fellow Irish Cowboy Van Morrison, Achtung Baby will forever have A Sense of Wonder and a Beautiful Vision. Here is an overview of Achtung Baby's 12 Proverbs.
Me: Oh boy! (*discreetly puts gun up to own temple*)
Part Two
Track-by-track breakdown (in plain text) and rebuttal (in italics):
1. Zoo Station-Bono catches the first train Metroliner Amtrak from
Washington D.C. to New York and realizes that "Time is a train/Makes the future
the past"-when he arrives in the Big Apple, Bruce and Steve greet him
and he's OK.
Who the fuck is Steve?
2. Even Better Than Real Thing-A brilliant gospel rave, a mirror ball has a higher calling. Quite X-Static and Bono has the time of his life.
X-Static, by the way, is Hall and Oates album (yeah, I know. I got nothin'.)
3. One-The best Rock Ballad of U2's existence, it has the strength to lift me up. The whole band shine on this brilliant American Prayer.
Are they Irish or are they American? MAKE UP YOUR MIND
4. Until End of World-Title taken from the strangest and most bizarre movie I've ever seen, U2 rock hard on this one. Brilliant!
I agree, actually.
5. Wild Horses-A mixture of hard rock, country and electronica complete with Edge's noise-squall guitars and Bono's unadulterated Rattle, Hum and Rage-a rocker about a cheating mistress, Bono shouts at the end "Who's gonna take the place of me?"-this is U2's angriest piece.
I disagree, but not for you're-a-crazy-person reasons. Maybe this is where the review starts to make sense.
6. So Cruel-A sad leprechaun ballad (NEVER MIND) about why love falls apart complete with Adam and Larry's funky block-rockin' beats and electronica/hip-hop rhythms while Edge plays his Gibson Les Paul over top of the Yamaha DX7 tuning-fork keys as Brian and Danny bathe the tune in film noir orchestration, Bono does his best Torch Croon and channels the ghosts of Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley and Roy Orbison-he cries "in love there are no rules!"-and proves in the end he is the last and best male Voice rock & roll has ever produced. This song is exactly why U2 are in the
Rock & Roll Hall of Fame-U2 are the last of their kind.
You need to get out more, dude. That padded cell is starting to get to you.
6. The Fly-As its title suggests, this buzzing industrial/metal rocker is the Hardest Rocker U2 have ever recorded. A song about ambition, success and fame, U2 enjoy all of it. That is exactly why U2 are the absolute best rock & roll band of the last 30 years-maybe even perhaps of all time. Well done lads!
Ignoring the fact that this is the second "sixth track", I just want to mention how much I hate reviews that directly address the bands they're talking about. Yeah, like U2 really needs a patronizing pat on the head from a guy who probably eats baked beans out of an old colostomy bag.
8. Mysterious Ways-U2 at their most danceble and funkiest, this brilliant funk rocker has seen many a mirror ball
in "miracle days." Bono probably wrote this art song with his friend Madonna in mind. I am sure Madonna has danced to this song in all the times in her life.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Aside from the fact that the author shoehorns in another Madonna reference and uses "funk" as an adjective twice in the span of one poorly-written sentence, I'm frankly baffled as to what he's trying to imply with the "miracle days" reference. Has this lumbering mass of misfiring neurons actually been to a real club? God help us all.
9. Trying to Throw Around the World-Continuing in the pocket funky groove, this love song to Alison is U2 at their most intimate and seductive. Adam and Larry burn and smolder on this one.
Alison?
10. Ultra Violet (Light My Way)-Another love song-cum-funk rocker finds Bono and Edge this time in top form. Definitely a highlight of the 360 Horizon Tour I saw last fall in Landover-slotted in between Your Blue Room
and Where the Streets Have No Name, this was a prelude to the encore of With or without You
and Moment of Surrender-Calvin and I were definitely on our feet screaming for more.
OH SWEET STUMP-FUCKING JESUS IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN TO CONCERTS RUN FOR YOUR GODDAMNED LIVES
11. Acrobat-This penultimate Metal Rocker-its relatives Bullet the Blue Sky, Elevation and Vertigo-again is a treatise on stardom-and why Bono loves being the brilliant showman/entertainer/activist that he is. He loves his life in U2
and he's the luckiest man in showbiz and on the face of the Earth. What a life on the stage!
Inasmuch as I think songs should be open to interpretation... no. You're wrong. That's not what it's about at all.
12. And Finally-Love Is Blindness-On the dark final Flipside of Baby is the absolute blackest and scariest ballad of U2's existence-about how love plays tricks every time. At the same time, it is "a dangerous idea that almost makes sense." Many Jazz Cats have covered this soon-to-be standard. A brilliant end to the Dubliners' most dangerous and explosive record.
Eh... I got nothin' again. Just wanted to pipe up before the next paragraph break.
The Verdict. Like its title implies, U2 are a band on the lookout for danger because many times over, Bono has said to
his friends Edge, Adam and Larry-"What if we try try this? Let's always be a band that is always different from other rock bands!" (I'M BAWN-O, DURR HURR HURR) Perhaps that's why U2 have been so good for a long time. U2, above all are a band who have made a difference in our lives through enthralling faith, exhilarating live performances and a certain something extra that keeps them on top. U2'records go to #1 for a reason-THEY ARE A BRILLIANT BAND, PURE AND SIMPLE
-and Actung Baby-out of all their works-is a Heartland Rock masterpiece of American brilliance.
And this review is the worst I've ever read.
Reviewer: HopRabbitBunny
Forum For Insanity: http://rateyourmusic.com
Part One
The Review, Deconstructed:
Him: Where do I start? Where do I begin? One of the great things about Heartland Rock/Electronica minstrels U2 is that more often than not, the four American friends Bono, Edge, Adam and Larry-when they are Burning and Hot-make brilliant records twice in a lifetime.
Me: Already, seasoned rock geeks will think this review is a joke because of the "American friends" line. If their accents while speaking and the "potato guy!" gag in The Simpsons didn't make it obvious enough, U2 are very much an irish band. Don't worry, though - I actually read this person's other reviews (mostly Madonna albums) and no, this person is not kidding. Also, yes, he is completely insane. Read on...
Him: Not many bands can claim that! If War was their introduction to stardom, The Joshua Tree their apotheosis, Passengers their most out-there "Let's-fall-on-our-hands-and-see-what-we'll-find-and-have-fun" record, All That their travelogue and Horizon their "Rock-is-in-our-bones-and-let's-still-be-creative-is-in-our-hearts" record, then Achtung Baby is their masterpiece, a grooving-cum-rocking treatise on how love falls apart.
Me: "Rock-is-in-our-bones-and-let's-still-be-creative-is-in-our-hearts"??? Even without the hyphens - ESPECIALLY without the hyphens - that sentence has all the consistency of baby diarrhea. Speaking of hyphen abuse, if you can find a lazier amalgamation of adjectives than "grooving-cum-rocking", I may want to punch you in the face, so keep it to yourself.
Him: Love does remain because U2 finally discover what Madonna later termed Erotica and how faith, hope, love and desire are saved-not by "Praise-and-worship" but by what their best friend and rocker Bruce Springsteen described as the
Human Touch.
Me: To be honest, even I have my doubts that this person isn't kidding. These two (completely unrelated) albums that the author name-checked are among the 69(!) albums this person's reviewed, implying that they've heard maybe 70 albums in their whole life and forgot to review one because the voices were telling them to kill again.
Him: In the 12 chapters of Achtung Baby, U2 are disguised as Miles Tabby Cats in a Meowing Zoo, they sit by the water know as the River Liffey, and Dublin is forever Lucky Town. Achtung Baby-a beautiful Irish lucky charm
and a hip-hopping/rocking American Slipstream on the Threshold of a thousand Dreams.
Me: That's right, read that paragraph again. Fuckin' READ IT. This flies off the cliff of rock-crit pretentiousness and into the kind of literary chasm inhabited by those who eat crayons and masturbate while using a wood chipper.
On the plus side, it seems HopRabbitBunny is actually fully aware of U2's irishness, so that's something.
Him: Like said records by fellow Irish Cowboy Van Morrison, Achtung Baby will forever have A Sense of Wonder and a Beautiful Vision. Here is an overview of Achtung Baby's 12 Proverbs.
Me: Oh boy! (*discreetly puts gun up to own temple*)
Part Two
Track-by-track breakdown (in plain text) and rebuttal (in italics):
1. Zoo Station-Bono catches the first train Metroliner Amtrak from
Washington D.C. to New York and realizes that "Time is a train/Makes the future
the past"-when he arrives in the Big Apple, Bruce and Steve greet him
and he's OK.
Who the fuck is Steve?
2. Even Better Than Real Thing-A brilliant gospel rave, a mirror ball has a higher calling. Quite X-Static and Bono has the time of his life.
X-Static, by the way, is Hall and Oates album (yeah, I know. I got nothin'.)
3. One-The best Rock Ballad of U2's existence, it has the strength to lift me up. The whole band shine on this brilliant American Prayer.
Are they Irish or are they American? MAKE UP YOUR MIND
4. Until End of World-Title taken from the strangest and most bizarre movie I've ever seen, U2 rock hard on this one. Brilliant!
I agree, actually.
5. Wild Horses-A mixture of hard rock, country and electronica complete with Edge's noise-squall guitars and Bono's unadulterated Rattle, Hum and Rage-a rocker about a cheating mistress, Bono shouts at the end "Who's gonna take the place of me?"-this is U2's angriest piece.
I disagree, but not for you're-a-crazy-person reasons. Maybe this is where the review starts to make sense.
6. So Cruel-A sad leprechaun ballad (NEVER MIND) about why love falls apart complete with Adam and Larry's funky block-rockin' beats and electronica/hip-hop rhythms while Edge plays his Gibson Les Paul over top of the Yamaha DX7 tuning-fork keys as Brian and Danny bathe the tune in film noir orchestration, Bono does his best Torch Croon and channels the ghosts of Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley and Roy Orbison-he cries "in love there are no rules!"-and proves in the end he is the last and best male Voice rock & roll has ever produced. This song is exactly why U2 are in the
Rock & Roll Hall of Fame-U2 are the last of their kind.
You need to get out more, dude. That padded cell is starting to get to you.
6. The Fly-As its title suggests, this buzzing industrial/metal rocker is the Hardest Rocker U2 have ever recorded. A song about ambition, success and fame, U2 enjoy all of it. That is exactly why U2 are the absolute best rock & roll band of the last 30 years-maybe even perhaps of all time. Well done lads!
Ignoring the fact that this is the second "sixth track", I just want to mention how much I hate reviews that directly address the bands they're talking about. Yeah, like U2 really needs a patronizing pat on the head from a guy who probably eats baked beans out of an old colostomy bag.
8. Mysterious Ways-U2 at their most danceble and funkiest, this brilliant funk rocker has seen many a mirror ball
in "miracle days." Bono probably wrote this art song with his friend Madonna in mind. I am sure Madonna has danced to this song in all the times in her life.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Aside from the fact that the author shoehorns in another Madonna reference and uses "funk" as an adjective twice in the span of one poorly-written sentence, I'm frankly baffled as to what he's trying to imply with the "miracle days" reference. Has this lumbering mass of misfiring neurons actually been to a real club? God help us all.
9. Trying to Throw Around the World-Continuing in the pocket funky groove, this love song to Alison is U2 at their most intimate and seductive. Adam and Larry burn and smolder on this one.
Alison?
10. Ultra Violet (Light My Way)-Another love song-cum-funk rocker finds Bono and Edge this time in top form. Definitely a highlight of the 360 Horizon Tour I saw last fall in Landover-slotted in between Your Blue Room
and Where the Streets Have No Name, this was a prelude to the encore of With or without You
and Moment of Surrender-Calvin and I were definitely on our feet screaming for more.
OH SWEET STUMP-FUCKING JESUS IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN TO CONCERTS RUN FOR YOUR GODDAMNED LIVES
11. Acrobat-This penultimate Metal Rocker-its relatives Bullet the Blue Sky, Elevation and Vertigo-again is a treatise on stardom-and why Bono loves being the brilliant showman/entertainer/activist that he is. He loves his life in U2
and he's the luckiest man in showbiz and on the face of the Earth. What a life on the stage!
Inasmuch as I think songs should be open to interpretation... no. You're wrong. That's not what it's about at all.
12. And Finally-Love Is Blindness-On the dark final Flipside of Baby is the absolute blackest and scariest ballad of U2's existence-about how love plays tricks every time. At the same time, it is "a dangerous idea that almost makes sense." Many Jazz Cats have covered this soon-to-be standard. A brilliant end to the Dubliners' most dangerous and explosive record.
Eh... I got nothin' again. Just wanted to pipe up before the next paragraph break.
The Verdict. Like its title implies, U2 are a band on the lookout for danger because many times over, Bono has said to
his friends Edge, Adam and Larry-"What if we try try this? Let's always be a band that is always different from other rock bands!" (I'M BAWN-O, DURR HURR HURR) Perhaps that's why U2 have been so good for a long time. U2, above all are a band who have made a difference in our lives through enthralling faith, exhilarating live performances and a certain something extra that keeps them on top. U2'records go to #1 for a reason-THEY ARE A BRILLIANT BAND, PURE AND SIMPLE
-and Actung Baby-out of all their works-is a Heartland Rock masterpiece of American brilliance.
And this review is the worst I've ever read.
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Alphabet, As Determined By The First Things To Pop Up In The Youtube Searchbar.
A is for Akon.
B is for Baby Justin Bieber.
C is for Chris Brown.
D is for Drake.
E is for Eminem
F is for fireflies
G is for Google slap.
H is for Hannah Montana.
I is for "in my head Jason Derulo".
J is for Justin Bieber.
K is for "keisha [sic] tik tok".
L is for "lady gaga telephone".
M is for Michael Jackson.
N is for Nicki Minaj.
O is for "owl city fireflies".
This pause is for me rapidly losing my will to live.
P is for Party In The USA.
Q is for Queen. [yay. :D]
R is for "rihanna rude boy".
S is for Shakira.
T is for "telephone lady gaga".
U is for Usher.
V is for Video Phone.
W is for We Are The World.
X is for "x factor 2009".
Y is for You Belong With Me.
And Z, appropriately enough, is for Zombie.
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS
B is for Baby Justin Bieber.
C is for Chris Brown.
D is for Drake.
E is for Eminem
F is for fireflies
G is for Google slap.
H is for Hannah Montana.
I is for "in my head Jason Derulo".
J is for Justin Bieber.
K is for "keisha [sic] tik tok".
L is for "lady gaga telephone".
M is for Michael Jackson.
N is for Nicki Minaj.
O is for "owl city fireflies".
This pause is for me rapidly losing my will to live.
P is for Party In The USA.
Q is for Queen. [yay. :D]
R is for "rihanna rude boy".
S is for Shakira.
T is for "telephone lady gaga".
U is for Usher.
V is for Video Phone.
W is for We Are The World.
X is for "x factor 2009".
Y is for You Belong With Me.
And Z, appropriately enough, is for Zombie.
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS
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