The following is a three-act play composed entirely of text messages sent back and forth between Gianluca Cefis (trenchcoat-wearing man-about-town) and Anthony Hansen (me) during an interminable opening set by some local noise-music asshats.
ACT ONE (in which the band begins):
Cefis: What the fuck is this?
Anthony: Hell.
Cefis: This sounds like a shitty version of the song we made... I feel like someone shoved a trench knife in my brain.
Anthony: This band has convinced me we could have a career. In murdering people.
Cefis: Agreed, this song sounds like what a seizure feels like...
~
ACT TWO (in which Cefis sends multiple texts detailing his displeasure):
Cefis: This is far too fucking pretentious. This is like an art exhibit consisting of an elderly man defecating into a flexing male model's mouth.
The worst part is that they look so bloody bored playing this godawful noise. It's like they have a sign floating over their heads that reads "shoot me".
I never thought I'd say this, but I think Dragonforce might be better than this...
~
ACT THREE (DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP):
Anthony: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES
Cefis: HEY MAN! THESE GUYS HAVE AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO TELL THE AUDIENCE! ABOUT HOW WE SHOULD MOB KILL THEM!
Anthony: FREEEEEBIIIIIIRD
Cefis: They should play In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.
Anthony: If I got high and listened to this I WOULD THINK I WAS GOING TO DIE.
Cefis: I'm just waiting for the fake horn... then I will burst like the fat guy from "Meaning Of Life".
Anthony: REEEEEEEEMIX
(the band stops.)
THE END.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
loudQUIETloud: A Film About The Pixies
"We don't talk to each other very much, and it's not because we don't like each other. That's just the kind of people that we are." - Frank Black
loudQUIETloud is a film about The Pixies. They don't have much personal chemistry, but they make great music and do a pretty good job of not letting their considerable emotional baggage get in the way.
THE END.
No seriously, THAT'S IT. THE. END.
I really liked this movie.
loudQUIETloud is a film about The Pixies. They don't have much personal chemistry, but they make great music and do a pretty good job of not letting their considerable emotional baggage get in the way.
THE END.
No seriously, THAT'S IT. THE. END.
I really liked this movie.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Radiohead's New Album Is One Of Their Best And No I'm Not Crazy
The thesis statement is in the title so I'm not even gonna bother with an introductory paragraph.
Look, I know what you're thinking: the new one sounds half-assed and Anthony's just being contradictory for the sheer hell of it. Well, it isn't and I'm not. And believe me, I'm almost as baffled by my own reaction as you are. Almost.
Here's the thing, though (or what I believe to be the... erm... thing). Having only gotten into Radiohead somewhere in the last six years, I've had nearly every Radiohead album pre-hyped for me as an all-caps "LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE". A lot of the time with Radiohead, my heightened expectations mean the things I would brush off as minor quibbles with any other band become huge sore points for me, and I recognize that I'm totally at fault for expecting perfection straight out of the gate.
Of course, I am gonna nitpick, just a little bit. OK Computer (still their masterpiece in many ways) was an exhilarating synthesis of influences and ideas, but when broken down, its components are blatantly and almost irritatingly derivative. Airbag IS the midsection of Red by King Crimson, Karma Police IS Sexy Sadie by The Beatles, Lucky IS Breathe by Pink Floyd... and so on. It's the kind of thing that seems like a charming tip of the hat if done sparingly, but makes you seriously question a band's songwriting abilities if spread across a whole album. Even at their most experimental, they seem to be taking obvious cues from other bands, and that bothers me a bit.
This is similar to a problem I have with Pink Floyd, the band Radiohead most closely resembles. People will regularly prattle on about how "deep" Pink Floyd's lyrics are, when really what Pink Floyd (or, more often than not, chief lyricist/group tyrant Rogert Waters) do is simplify grand philosophical concepts in a way that everyone can understand. Yes, the concepts are "deep", but they way they're writing about them isn't. It's not to say that there isn't something to commend about bringing these concepts to the masses, but praise for a second-hand concept is still due to the person you borrowed it from... and so it goes with Radiohead. You can praise them for their originality all you want, but what you're really praising is their own admittedly excellent taste in source material.
It's not entirely their fault, to be fair. They didn't ask for OK Computer and Kid A to be hailed as world-changing milestones. One of the things that annoys me about my own profession as a rock critic is how we're always looking to evaluate things on a cultural level as well as a musical one. As soon as an artist records something we deem a masterpiece, they now have something they have to spend the rest of their careers living up to, in spite of the fact that any greater meaning to the music was usually applied after the fact. What I do respect about Radiohead is that, in spite of how often they come off as comically earnest, chin-stroking artiste types, they've always seemed genuinely unconcerned with this. In fact, it seems they've done everything in their power to avoid being hailed as the biggest band in the world, be it through their deliberately cryptic public image or their abject refusal to play ball with the press and the record companies (okay, that's sort of the same thing, but you get my drift).
Well, with this latest album, it seems they've finally gotten their wish. They have now released their shortest, starkest-sounding album to a resounding "WTF". The band that made their reputation in pushing boundaries has finally found a way to push people in the entirely wrong direction.
Only I'm not one of them. Yes, I'm finally going to try and justify why I've come to love King Of Limbs, and I think it's more than just my own reduced expectations. I feel like on this album, more than any other, Radiohead are just goofing around, trying things out, and above all, not getting ahead of themselves. Their previous release, In Rainbows, was the first example of this more casual, down-to-earth approach, but it was still in support of some of the most conventional-sounding songs they'd ever written. Here, they've unleashed their most jarring and abstract set of compositions yet, seemingly just for the sheer hell of it. Some would see this as a lazier approach, but I feel like the spontaneity with which they imbue these strange little songs makes this the first truly experimental record they've ever made (as opposed to Kid A and Amnesiac, which, for all their surface "weirdness" were actually very studied and methodical in their re-purposing of avant-garde electronica).
Not everything on this album works, but I feel like that's besides the point. Whether you love or hate the album, it essentially boils down to the exact same reason: they aren't trying so hard anymore. Depending on why you listen to Radiohead, that's either a huge relief or a profound disappointment. No points for guessing which camp I'm in.
Look, I know what you're thinking: the new one sounds half-assed and Anthony's just being contradictory for the sheer hell of it. Well, it isn't and I'm not. And believe me, I'm almost as baffled by my own reaction as you are. Almost.
Here's the thing, though (or what I believe to be the... erm... thing). Having only gotten into Radiohead somewhere in the last six years, I've had nearly every Radiohead album pre-hyped for me as an all-caps "LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE". A lot of the time with Radiohead, my heightened expectations mean the things I would brush off as minor quibbles with any other band become huge sore points for me, and I recognize that I'm totally at fault for expecting perfection straight out of the gate.
Of course, I am gonna nitpick, just a little bit. OK Computer (still their masterpiece in many ways) was an exhilarating synthesis of influences and ideas, but when broken down, its components are blatantly and almost irritatingly derivative. Airbag IS the midsection of Red by King Crimson, Karma Police IS Sexy Sadie by The Beatles, Lucky IS Breathe by Pink Floyd... and so on. It's the kind of thing that seems like a charming tip of the hat if done sparingly, but makes you seriously question a band's songwriting abilities if spread across a whole album. Even at their most experimental, they seem to be taking obvious cues from other bands, and that bothers me a bit.
This is similar to a problem I have with Pink Floyd, the band Radiohead most closely resembles. People will regularly prattle on about how "deep" Pink Floyd's lyrics are, when really what Pink Floyd (or, more often than not, chief lyricist/group tyrant Rogert Waters) do is simplify grand philosophical concepts in a way that everyone can understand. Yes, the concepts are "deep", but they way they're writing about them isn't. It's not to say that there isn't something to commend about bringing these concepts to the masses, but praise for a second-hand concept is still due to the person you borrowed it from... and so it goes with Radiohead. You can praise them for their originality all you want, but what you're really praising is their own admittedly excellent taste in source material.
It's not entirely their fault, to be fair. They didn't ask for OK Computer and Kid A to be hailed as world-changing milestones. One of the things that annoys me about my own profession as a rock critic is how we're always looking to evaluate things on a cultural level as well as a musical one. As soon as an artist records something we deem a masterpiece, they now have something they have to spend the rest of their careers living up to, in spite of the fact that any greater meaning to the music was usually applied after the fact. What I do respect about Radiohead is that, in spite of how often they come off as comically earnest, chin-stroking artiste types, they've always seemed genuinely unconcerned with this. In fact, it seems they've done everything in their power to avoid being hailed as the biggest band in the world, be it through their deliberately cryptic public image or their abject refusal to play ball with the press and the record companies (okay, that's sort of the same thing, but you get my drift).
Well, with this latest album, it seems they've finally gotten their wish. They have now released their shortest, starkest-sounding album to a resounding "WTF". The band that made their reputation in pushing boundaries has finally found a way to push people in the entirely wrong direction.
Only I'm not one of them. Yes, I'm finally going to try and justify why I've come to love King Of Limbs, and I think it's more than just my own reduced expectations. I feel like on this album, more than any other, Radiohead are just goofing around, trying things out, and above all, not getting ahead of themselves. Their previous release, In Rainbows, was the first example of this more casual, down-to-earth approach, but it was still in support of some of the most conventional-sounding songs they'd ever written. Here, they've unleashed their most jarring and abstract set of compositions yet, seemingly just for the sheer hell of it. Some would see this as a lazier approach, but I feel like the spontaneity with which they imbue these strange little songs makes this the first truly experimental record they've ever made (as opposed to Kid A and Amnesiac, which, for all their surface "weirdness" were actually very studied and methodical in their re-purposing of avant-garde electronica).
Not everything on this album works, but I feel like that's besides the point. Whether you love or hate the album, it essentially boils down to the exact same reason: they aren't trying so hard anymore. Depending on why you listen to Radiohead, that's either a huge relief or a profound disappointment. No points for guessing which camp I'm in.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
OH SHIT I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT YELLOW SUBMARINE
IT HAS 4 NEW BEATLES SONGS ON IT AND TWO OF THEM ARE BY GEORGE BECAUSE JOHN AND PAUL DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THE FILM TO BE TOTAL DICKS TO HIM THAT ONE TIME
Friday, February 25, 2011
Anthony Vs. The Beatles' Entire Discography
Let's just get this the fuck over with
Please Please Me:
This was the last Beatles album I ever purchased. I liked this one a lot more than I expected to, possibly because that opening one-two punch of I Saw Her Standing There and Misery is pretty unbeatable. It's pure pop fluff by today's standards, but that's part of the charm, isn't it?
With The Beatles:
I don't like this one at all for some weird reason.
A Hard Day's Night:
Some of the best melodies ever written, but my god are the lyrics ever stupid. Yes, I realize that pop lyricism wasn't exactly poetry in the mid-60s, but what the fuck does that matter when I'm listening to an album in 2011? You don't rhyme "alright" with "alright". You just don't do that!
Beatles For Sale:
Yeah, the covers suck. Of COURSE the covers suck. The originals, though, are easily the strongest batch of songs The Beatles had written up to this point. I'll Follow The Sun might be the classiest, most gentlemanly break-up song ever written, and there's really no matching the palpable hurt and anger in John Lennon's voice on No Reply. This could have been a great EP. Oh well.
Help!:
My friend Rick made the case that this album is miles ahead of A Hard Days Night, and these days I tend to think he was right. He's the only person I know who thinks this way. I wish he'd call me sometime. I need to talk to someone about how great Help! is.
Rubber Soul:
The Beatles' folksiest album. This is where George's songwriting starts to really kick ass. I mean, Think For Yourself and If I Needed Someone? That shit is fuckin' GOLD!
Revolver:
This one's all over the place stylistically, but holy shit are the songs ever good.
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band:
Best album... ever? (No, not really. PiL's Metal Box is the best album ever. This is pretty good, though.)
Magical Mystery Tour:
I don't care how good the rest of the album is, Hello Goodbye and Your Mother Should Know make me want to punch Paul McCartney's lights out.
The White Album:
Oh let's face it, a lot of these songs just flat-out suck.
Abbey Road:
There are days where I actually prefer this album to Sgt. Pepper. Could it be that The Beatles created... (*gasp*)... TWO of the best albums ever??? INCONCEIVABLE!
Let It Be:
On Abbey Road they managed to hide the fact that they all couldn't stand each other. This album wasn't so lucky. The title track still makes me cry, though.
Past Masters, Volume One And Two:
Yes, I know it's a compilation, but it's a compilation of Beatles singles, so dismissing it 'cause it's not a "real Beatles album" is kind of like saying you're going to kick a cardboard box full of puppies to the curb because you don't like cardboard boxes. Except in this case, the puppies have names like "She Loves You", "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "Hey Ju look I know this is stupid but just go with it
I'M DONE.
Please Please Me:
This was the last Beatles album I ever purchased. I liked this one a lot more than I expected to, possibly because that opening one-two punch of I Saw Her Standing There and Misery is pretty unbeatable. It's pure pop fluff by today's standards, but that's part of the charm, isn't it?
With The Beatles:
I don't like this one at all for some weird reason.
A Hard Day's Night:
Some of the best melodies ever written, but my god are the lyrics ever stupid. Yes, I realize that pop lyricism wasn't exactly poetry in the mid-60s, but what the fuck does that matter when I'm listening to an album in 2011? You don't rhyme "alright" with "alright". You just don't do that!
Beatles For Sale:
Yeah, the covers suck. Of COURSE the covers suck. The originals, though, are easily the strongest batch of songs The Beatles had written up to this point. I'll Follow The Sun might be the classiest, most gentlemanly break-up song ever written, and there's really no matching the palpable hurt and anger in John Lennon's voice on No Reply. This could have been a great EP. Oh well.
Help!:
My friend Rick made the case that this album is miles ahead of A Hard Days Night, and these days I tend to think he was right. He's the only person I know who thinks this way. I wish he'd call me sometime. I need to talk to someone about how great Help! is.
Rubber Soul:
The Beatles' folksiest album. This is where George's songwriting starts to really kick ass. I mean, Think For Yourself and If I Needed Someone? That shit is fuckin' GOLD!
Revolver:
This one's all over the place stylistically, but holy shit are the songs ever good.
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band:
Best album... ever? (No, not really. PiL's Metal Box is the best album ever. This is pretty good, though.)
Magical Mystery Tour:
I don't care how good the rest of the album is, Hello Goodbye and Your Mother Should Know make me want to punch Paul McCartney's lights out.
The White Album:
Oh let's face it, a lot of these songs just flat-out suck.
Abbey Road:
There are days where I actually prefer this album to Sgt. Pepper. Could it be that The Beatles created... (*gasp*)... TWO of the best albums ever??? INCONCEIVABLE!
Let It Be:
On Abbey Road they managed to hide the fact that they all couldn't stand each other. This album wasn't so lucky. The title track still makes me cry, though.
Past Masters, Volume One And Two:
Yes, I know it's a compilation, but it's a compilation of Beatles singles, so dismissing it 'cause it's not a "real Beatles album" is kind of like saying you're going to kick a cardboard box full of puppies to the curb because you don't like cardboard boxes. Except in this case, the puppies have names like "She Loves You", "I Want To Hold Your Hand" and "Hey Ju look I know this is stupid but just go with it
I'M DONE.
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Alphabet, As Determined By The First Things To Pop Up In The Youtube Searchbar.
A is for Akon.
B is for Baby Justin Bieber.
C is for Chris Brown.
D is for Drake.
E is for Eminem
F is for fireflies
G is for Google slap.
H is for Hannah Montana.
I is for "in my head Jason Derulo".
J is for Justin Bieber.
K is for "keisha [sic] tik tok".
L is for "lady gaga telephone".
M is for Michael Jackson.
N is for Nicki Minaj.
O is for "owl city fireflies".
This pause is for me rapidly losing my will to live.
P is for Party In The USA.
Q is for Queen. [yay. :D]
R is for "rihanna rude boy".
S is for Shakira.
T is for "telephone lady gaga".
U is for Usher.
V is for Video Phone.
W is for We Are The World.
X is for "x factor 2009".
Y is for You Belong With Me.
And Z, appropriately enough, is for Zombie.
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS
B is for Baby Justin Bieber.
C is for Chris Brown.
D is for Drake.
E is for Eminem
F is for fireflies
G is for Google slap.
H is for Hannah Montana.
I is for "in my head Jason Derulo".
J is for Justin Bieber.
K is for "keisha [sic] tik tok".
L is for "lady gaga telephone".
M is for Michael Jackson.
N is for Nicki Minaj.
O is for "owl city fireflies".
This pause is for me rapidly losing my will to live.
P is for Party In The USA.
Q is for Queen. [yay. :D]
R is for "rihanna rude boy".
S is for Shakira.
T is for "telephone lady gaga".
U is for Usher.
V is for Video Phone.
W is for We Are The World.
X is for "x factor 2009".
Y is for You Belong With Me.
And Z, appropriately enough, is for Zombie.
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My 20 Favorite Songs Ever.
Arranged in order of the artists' names (thanks, iPod!)
1. Don't Follow by Alice In Chains (1994)
The song I want played at my funeral. No, really.
2. Beauty And The Beast by David Bowie (1977)
Bowie's best rocker is also his weirdest. Are we at all surprised?
3. Silver Moon by David Sylvian (1986)
Cancel out what my co-worker Jesse Locke calls the "Red Shoe Diaries saxophone solo" and you have an absolutely perfect love song.
4. Romantic Rights by Death From Above 1979 (2004)
This, on the other hand, is just pure, bottomless horniness. Sleazily invigorating.
5. Master And Servant by Depeche Mode (1984)
Thank you, Depeche Mode. Thank you for inventing Nine Inch Nails.
6. Serious by Duran Duran (1990)
Disposable pop heaven. This song lasted me a whole summer.
7. Last Cup Of Sorrow by Faith No More (1997)
It's rare that you'll find the word "uplifting" mentioned in the same sentence as "Mike Patton" (Faith No More's lead singer, but you knew that), and that's precisely why this song works so well. Dark bands write the best happy songs.
8. Tell Me You Love Me by Frank Zappa (1970)
Zappa's genius wouldn't have meant shit if he couldn't rock out occasionally. And he did. Viciously.
9. Rubicon by Killing Joke (1986)
To date, Killing Joke are the only band I can think of who ended their obligatory arena-baiting '80s sellout album with a song welcoming nuclear holocaust with open arms. Gotta love 'em.
10. What Your Soul Sings by Massive Attack (2003)
And how my soul sings when I hear it.
11. Everybody Is Dead by Microdisney (1984)
Too many of my favorite songs sound like they could be on the Weather Channel.
12. And All That Could Have Been by Nine Inch Nails (2002)
Most depressing song. By anyone. Ever.
13. Aneurysm by Nirvana (1991)
Everything you're supposed to like about Nirvana in less than five minutes. Admit it, this grinds Smells Like Teen Spirit into the dirt.
14. Home Sweet Home by Peter Gabriel (1978)
This one deserves its own damn essay. The wordless howling near the end might be the most heartwrenching vocal performance ever put to tape.
15. Never Say Never by Romeo Void (1982)
Otherwise known as I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER, I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER. Anyone else think these guys were one of the most underrated new wave bands of all time?
16. Don't Take Me Alive by Steely Dan (1976)
Steely Dan don't have bad songs, per se - just ones with better guitar solos than others. And this one has the best.
17. Call It Sleep by Steve Vai (1984)
Speaking of guitar solos, here's my favorite. I realize that Steve Vai is kind of a tool, but man... this just kills me.
18. Straighten Out by The Stranglers (1977)
People questioned wether The Stranglers really counted as "punk". They responded by kicking your ass.
19. Kentucky Avenue by Tom Waits (1978)
My favorite song, actually. Why? Because it makes me cry. Every goddamned time.
20. Pretty Good Year by Tori Amos (1994)
Anthony met his feminine side. We hugged it out.
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